she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
