guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
