I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
