we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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