This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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