Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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