Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
