he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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