So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
