i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
