I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
