Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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