She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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