did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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