would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
