I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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