Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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