Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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