I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
