i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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