someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
