Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
