i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i came on her dog
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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