Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
