Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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