a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
