Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
