I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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