I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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