Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
