good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Michael Bay diarrhea
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
