Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
honey bunches of taint.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
