you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
