You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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