we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize