I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
