No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
