she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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