So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
