my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
