I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
