Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
