One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
