so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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