I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
