What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
