I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
