My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
