I swear she didn't look like that last week.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
