This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
